So I am in a new relationship, he's wonderful. Everything about him couldn't be better & I know that if we don't work out I'm thankful for him anyways because he has taught me a lot about myself and made me overcome some of the hardest things I struggle with in a RELATIONSHIP....
This leads me to my horrible relationship experience.... I dated this guy, of course I say it like you all thought I was going to say girl haha but yes a guy who basically changed me....& not in a good way.
In the beginning we were wonderful, peachy, that new exciting period in a relationship where everything is just fun and PERFECT. This stage, I have learned, does NOT last. Not in any relationship... but somewhere in it all I lost myself.
It was like waking up one day and the person you thought you knew like the back of your hand did a 360. Why was he so convinced that he couldn't trust me? This is the simple line that can RUIN a relationship in a HEARTBEAT.....TRUST....I don't care what anyone says this is the KEY to a relationship, without it you've got two people who are bound to go different ways.
It began when I would receive accusing phone calls, out of nowhere? Let me remind you all, I did NOTHING, absolutely nothing, I would be at home in my bed and he would accuse me of cheating? And I spent most of our conversations assuring him I was not cheating and that I only wanted to be with him and that I loved him...that's only the beginning...
Somewhere further down the road be became possessive & insecure. It was slowly headed for disaster... I was spending our days together walking on eggshells, watching every move I made not to tick him off. I became this scared, fearful, insecure, lifeless, and NOT STRONG little girl. I was in a relationship but yet I felt SO LONELY. I was slowly becoming a victim of an abusive (emotionally, physically, and mentally) relationship.
How? You ask...& I don't worry I already know what else is coming out of your mouths...Well you have the option to leave him, & you are dumb for staying with him if that's how he was treating you....& the list goes on and on right? Yeah its just like those lifetime movies where you watch that girl fall in love with a jerk who raises his hand at her and all you can do is feel frustrated through the whole movie and want to shake her and be like YOUR STUPID for staying with him!!! Oh believe me, I am sure ALL My friends thought the same thing. My life was becoming a BAD LIFETIME movie. And from my end of the spectrum, it's easier said than done....
It became grueling...I was so manipulated that I didn't even recognize myself. I was not the Happy-go-lucky girl I once knew. I was this pitiful, broken thing...not human anymore. He was so good at it, so good at convincing me that I was not worth a damn thing. Our relationship became one exhausting fight after another where he would rip me down till I was stripped of all dignity and then he'd explode and leave me scared to leave him. I was convinced I couldn't get anyone else, or that's what he told me. When you're told something so many times....you believe it.....Have you ever heard of those people who will lie and tell a story so many times that they actually start to convince themselves it happened? Yeah well same with this...He told me so many times that I was worthless and no one would EVER put up with me that I truly believed it.
It became a relationship that once was him striving to hold onto me that became me desperate to hold onto him... I will spare everyone the grueling details because it was not pretty but I wanted to share this story with you all because I want people to know that this is a REAL thing and it DOES happen. You don't have to believe me, and you don't have to even try to relate to me but if this story helps atleast one person out there who is a victim of abuse...then that is all I care about.
So you probably are wondering how I got out of this? Well it became so bad that I lost everyone. My parents, My bestfriends, & even him. He convinced me everyone was against him and us being together so I distanced myself and the problem with that became I basically dropped off the planet. I stayed in my room and didnt go anywhere fearing that he would get mad at me. Eventually the lifeless cold person i shriveled up to started to even push him away. He left me.
But this became a miracle. At the time, I won't lie, I thought my life was over... but I soon realized my happiness and relief that he was gone. I started to feel this overwhelming relief, no longer did I have to tell him every detail of where I was going, who I was with, what I was doing, and the list goes on. I was free. I won't forget the line my friend told me that snapped me to reality, "Jenna, you were not yourself. We didn't know who you were and we were scared. You were like a robot. We were truly scared everyday that you would turn up on the news missing or dead."deep stuff huh?
Now I just had to rebuild this broken little girl back up to be a confident woman. & that is something I am still working on.
I struggle still with confidence, especially those who know me pretty well can tell you this. But I am now sure of who I want to be. I am not resentful towards him, only sometimes I have moments where I will notice something I do that I realize I act like that because of him but for the most part I am thankful to have gone through all this because it has made me STRONGER. I know when I meet someone and as soon as they start to show a sign of being anything like him I peace out. I won't let this happen again to me and I hope I can help someone avoid this situation also. It still is taking time, I wish I could say I am 100% better, but i'm not going to lie...I'm not. I still have breakdowns over it, it really was a bad bad movie that felt never-ending, but I'll get there... eventually.
I know some people already know about this situation but I don't want to hide it from anyone. It makes me who I am today and I really hope if someone should read it and be faced with this same issue that they can find confide in me. I am here if someone needs to talk & no judgement will be passed.
Everyone is worth it, you just have to find it in yourself. You're obviously here for a reason, so take that and run with it. Be who you want to and don't let anyone stop you! & most of all learn to trust people, not everyone is bad....his loss of trust is what started his crazy.
"Be who you want to be, not what others want to see"- author unknown
XOXO
Jenna Lyne
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